Come see, come see! Winter is here again... and... it knows me?
October 7, 2009
Last night it rained for the first time; the sky went grey and the wind picked up singing as it danced in between the leaves and trees, creating a cacophony of whimpering sounds to the tempo of a soft toc-toc-toc as the fat shiny drops of rain flatten themselves onto the cement floor of my backyard.
It made me smile, as I open the door and was met with this small wonder of weather where before was nothing but sun and still somewhat suffocating heat. We are surely walking to winter and I am intrinsically happy for it.
Not just because I love all seasons and was looking forward to wearing closed shoes and my long unused sweaters and warm jackets, but also because I find that out of the four seasons, winter agrees the most with me and my mood.
Don’t get me wrong, I fancy myself a happy, easy going person, with a funny and witty streak, but on most days, I must admit, when I don’t have friends to keep me company or funny shows to amuse me, I find I am quite gloomy, I don’t have an always present smile, and my mood becomes dark and self-pitying.
And it makes me a bit lighter and less alone to think the sky is mourning my social imprisonment and showing solidarity towards my (sometimes) self imposed eremitism. Like Charles M. Schulz once said “I love mankind; its people I can’t stand” To me that has never been as true as it is now.
I love seeing the busy people walking hurriedly from place to place avoiding the rain, or laughing loudly as they wander off in their tiny outfits to a beach on summer day, and jointly laugh at their friend that just fell on his ass. I love watching it all and it makes me smile, but seldom do I partake in those trysts of deep felt amusement.
As a child most of the people I “hung around” with were adults, and when growing up, I was so very protected I didn’t mingle with “my own kind”, of the top of my head I can only recall 3 birthdays spend with friends, none went by without a small parental visit (two of them where in fact graced with a full adult presence, though one as a small child [10 year old] I can understand, and one where I had 2 friend over to dine with me at the age of 13) the one where only a small visit occurred was my 18th birthday.
Only my 13th birthday occurred on my actual birthday, the others were at the following weekend, as my parents believe all celebratory functions are to only be held with close family, with the exception of new year’s which can incur in the presence of close friends as well (their friends, not mine obviously, because even if I could invite someone, they aren’t mad enough to pass a night out in favor of an evening with someone’s parents, so boring you’ll slip into a coma before the midnight strokes).
As I grew, the rules and mental mind fields built around me (to be addressed at a later date) didn’t wane nor was a metal detector given to me, to help me navigate the tricky ground around me.
No, they remained up, and I took them for gospel, I believed it was so in every house hold, and because I was a child I didn’t speak up. As a teenager, seeing all the mad stunts pulled by my colleagues at school, and because I had no real friends, I thought the rules were correct and didn’t speak up. As grown woman (still an infant to my parents) I acquired a small speck of people whose personality worked with mine and a desire to wander and explore this beautiful world around me, but by then it was too late, and I couldn't speak up any more….
I am now 23 years old, and I cannot say “dad I’m going window shopping this afternoon, see you at dinner” I have to go through the following steps:
“Dad, I want to go window shopping this afternoon, may I?”
For how long?
“A couple of hours, maybe 3…”
With whom are you going?
“No one.. I’m going by myself.”
And exactly where are you going?
“To the mall, and maybe check out down town, too”
Hmmm, why the sudden need to go out? Fine, you can go, but watch how much you spend, and take your cell phone and let me know where you are and when you’re getting home.
This is the usual magnificent conversation I have to have prior to me getting anywhere, which, let me tell you, immediately dims my desire to even leave the house.
Though this is rather simple compared to when I’m not allowed to go, it can range from a you went out last week, to I don’t have money, to there’s a soccer match and you know the malls get full of idiots (admittedly is true, but I don’t intent to talk to any one of them) which he used last week, and I let him get away with it, and I don’t know if I’m madder at him for it, or myself for just bending over and not even giving a fight.
The funny part? They sometimes tell me I stay home too much, and should get out more hahaha. Precious right?
As a teenager I was so used to being denied I stopped asking, whenever I was invited to anything I’d just say no and give one of my parents excuses, because I just couldn't face another denial from the people I loved the most, when I had never given them a reason to. After some time, I just stopped being invited to anything….
Now a days I have very little friends, ok I have two friends. One is my best friend whom is now in Cardiff and I only see 2 maybe 3 times a year, and a girl I met at work last year, whom I only went out with… 5 times or so, mostly we talked in our work and right before/after when we met at the cafe.
Mostly I just talk with people online and live vicariously through the smiles I see on youtube or the amusing stories I read across he world wide web. And if i was never a very outgoing person, now there are days… I’m actively afraid to go out; because as much as love watching people and talking to them, there is always an underlying fear.
So I’m happy it’s winter, because it emulates the grey and the numbness I feel inside, and allows me to have a small measure of closure, in knowing that rain washes everything away, it cleanses and purifies everything for a new beginning come spring.
And I will hope every year, that this new spring to come, with a little bit of luck, will be my new beginning too.
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