For the kids...
September 23, 2009
A couple of days ago, in another site I was faced with a woman speaking about her abusive husband, a man that hit her and threatened her, and made her feel like crap.
She admitted he was wrong and she shouldn’t be treated like that, but went on to add “but he is a good guy most of the time, and besides I owe it to my son to be raised in a 2 parent normal household".
NO! In this day and age, there is no “normal” household and even if there was, an abusive one wouldn’t be it for sure!
Children may not know what is going on, because you’re a good actress, or may not understand it, because they don’t know any better, but they know something is off, and worst you are their everything, and what you do is to them gospel at a basic instinctive level, and as such they will emulate your every move.
How many times have we seen the children prancing around on their mother clothes? Or attempting to mimic their fathers frown? Children will grow up to be what their parents showed them is ok, not what they told them is right.
I myself grew in close proximity with a couple where man hit the woman. I was lived in a house with 5 other people: my mom N, her brother P, her sister T and husband E along with their son Z. My mom isn’t married and I never met my biological dad.
T and E are the eldest and thus the big cahunas in the family, having raised everybody else, me included, so I can say, they are more like my parents than anything else.
E always hit T, and verbally abused her, saying she was nothing and useless. One time he twisted her ankle so, that he almost broke it. He went as far as kicking her in the stomach while she was pregnant (I don’t know if he knew though) causing another miscarriage, in a total of 5 I think. This time it wasn’t just bleeding though, it already had an umbilical cord and the beginning of a baby.
But “because of the kids” she never kicked him out, though she did put an end to the beating by turning on him with an iron and threaten to kill him. And he knew she would do it too, and stopped.
But the fighting didn’t. The yelling, the blaming T always bowing to E’s needs and wishes, he doing anything he wanted and T patching up the situations. As a child they hid it well from me, and though I didn’t “know” what was happening, I always knew something was wrong. I was a very quite child, and as I grew up I became even more quite and isolated.
T began telling me the things E did to her, or some of them at least when I was old enough to understand, because I kept asking why she always did what he wanted and never what she wanted to do, and his word was law.
As I learned of E’s deeds and added that to what I saw, and realized it was just another form of abuse, my daughter love for him began to fade. Not that I don’t love him, I do, for all intents and purposes he is my dad, I just lost all respect I had for him as a man.
To this day, T does nothing that E doesn’t agree to, she rebels in some small ways but to me she just sits and takes it. What is worst is that we all have to act like her. I can’t do anything without asking him or her because she does the same thing he does, to me and N and P as we are lower in the hierarchy. I can’t just say I’m going out, I have to say where, with whom and from when to when, time wise. Their reasoning? It’s to protect me, so they can know where I am in case something happens. Bollocks that!!!
If the mall falls, and I said I was there, and they see it in the news, what the fuck are they going to do? Call Superman? It’s just another form of control and bullying on their part, and nothing more.
I often tell T, I wished they had divorced. It would have been better for everyone, because they only bicker and yell at each other and they haven’t even had sex in close to 18 years. It’s just not normal, it’s a living hell as seen that E also has a temper to rival Poseidon.
The consequences of it all? I’m a very introverted person; I have problems with making decisions. I have a very hard time in telling people no. In public I don’t raise my voice, nor stand up for myself, yet at home, I’ll yell for everything and nothing and have no patience for any of them. I avoid anything that can be seem as public humiliation, crying in public, being outgoing, like dancing or making funny faces or dances when with your friends.
I have a very hard time connecting with people. But most of all, I hate marriage. I do not intent to get married, ever. That’s one of the things T always said, marriage is forever, and you have to make t work. No, not for me, I’m never getting married, and I hate an institution that says even if your husband tries to kill you, you have to make it work.
I’m afraid that if I ever have my own family I’ll do to them what I saw being done in my family and it scares me shitless.
I’m trying to works on my short comings and be a better person, but when in its house with this people I can’t be any better than they are, so most of the time I lock myself in my room and dream and pretend I’m somewhere else; because I love them, but I don’t like who they are as people, because that is not who I want to be…
Never stay in a bad relationship for the kids. It will only hurt them more than you think it will to be in a single parent household. Don’t ever forget, children emulate their parents, not what their parents tell them.
A couple of days ago, in another site I was faced with a woman speaking about her abusive husband, a man that hit her and threatened her, and made her feel like crap.
She admitted he was wrong and she shouldn’t be treated like that, but went on to add “but he is a good guy most of the time, and besides I owe it to my son to be raised in a 2 parent normal household".
NO! In this day and age, there is no “normal” household and even if there was, an abusive one wouldn’t be it for sure!
Children may not know what is going on, because you’re a good actress, or may not understand it, because they don’t know any better, but they know something is off, and worst you are their everything, and what you do is to them gospel at a basic instinctive level, and as such they will emulate your every move.
How many times have we seen the children prancing around on their mother clothes? Or attempting to mimic their fathers frown? Children will grow up to be what their parents showed them is ok, not what they told them is right.
I myself grew in close proximity with a couple where man hit the woman. I was lived in a house with 5 other people: my mom N, her brother P, her sister T and husband E along with their son Z. My mom isn’t married and I never met my biological dad.
T and E are the eldest and thus the big cahunas in the family, having raised everybody else, me included, so I can say, they are more like my parents than anything else.
E always hit T, and verbally abused her, saying she was nothing and useless. One time he twisted her ankle so, that he almost broke it. He went as far as kicking her in the stomach while she was pregnant (I don’t know if he knew though) causing another miscarriage, in a total of 5 I think. This time it wasn’t just bleeding though, it already had an umbilical cord and the beginning of a baby.
But “because of the kids” she never kicked him out, though she did put an end to the beating by turning on him with an iron and threaten to kill him. And he knew she would do it too, and stopped.
But the fighting didn’t. The yelling, the blaming T always bowing to E’s needs and wishes, he doing anything he wanted and T patching up the situations. As a child they hid it well from me, and though I didn’t “know” what was happening, I always knew something was wrong. I was a very quite child, and as I grew up I became even more quite and isolated.
T began telling me the things E did to her, or some of them at least when I was old enough to understand, because I kept asking why she always did what he wanted and never what she wanted to do, and his word was law.
As I learned of E’s deeds and added that to what I saw, and realized it was just another form of abuse, my daughter love for him began to fade. Not that I don’t love him, I do, for all intents and purposes he is my dad, I just lost all respect I had for him as a man.
To this day, T does nothing that E doesn’t agree to, she rebels in some small ways but to me she just sits and takes it. What is worst is that we all have to act like her. I can’t do anything without asking him or her because she does the same thing he does, to me and N and P as we are lower in the hierarchy. I can’t just say I’m going out, I have to say where, with whom and from when to when, time wise. Their reasoning? It’s to protect me, so they can know where I am in case something happens. Bollocks that!!!
If the mall falls, and I said I was there, and they see it in the news, what the fuck are they going to do? Call Superman? It’s just another form of control and bullying on their part, and nothing more.
I often tell T, I wished they had divorced. It would have been better for everyone, because they only bicker and yell at each other and they haven’t even had sex in close to 18 years. It’s just not normal, it’s a living hell as seen that E also has a temper to rival Poseidon.
The consequences of it all? I’m a very introverted person; I have problems with making decisions. I have a very hard time in telling people no. In public I don’t raise my voice, nor stand up for myself, yet at home, I’ll yell for everything and nothing and have no patience for any of them. I avoid anything that can be seem as public humiliation, crying in public, being outgoing, like dancing or making funny faces or dances when with your friends.
I have a very hard time connecting with people. But most of all, I hate marriage. I do not intent to get married, ever. That’s one of the things T always said, marriage is forever, and you have to make t work. No, not for me, I’m never getting married, and I hate an institution that says even if your husband tries to kill you, you have to make it work.
I’m afraid that if I ever have my own family I’ll do to them what I saw being done in my family and it scares me shitless.
I’m trying to works on my short comings and be a better person, but when in its house with this people I can’t be any better than they are, so most of the time I lock myself in my room and dream and pretend I’m somewhere else; because I love them, but I don’t like who they are as people, because that is not who I want to be…
Never stay in a bad relationship for the kids. It will only hurt them more than you think it will to be in a single parent household. Don’t ever forget, children emulate their parents, not what their parents tell them.
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